SATIRE CENTRAL by Jerry Jester

  Unsubstantiated Allegations

21 August, 2012

Given the recent debate about farms in Greenbank, perhaps a little satire is in order:

Today, I. M. Green, a spokesman for the local activist group, WHAP (We Hate All Poisons) spoke to a media conference called by Bogan City Council.  Mr Green (who can only speak in rhyme) stated: “We’re tired of living in the suffer zones/What we want are buffer zones”.

This outlandish statement evoked a strong response from the CEO of Growbad, Mr Axel Deadzone, “These misguided activists do not understand hard science.  Contrary to what they’ve said, farmers in Greenbank absolutely do not use the chemical stickinyrgutifos.  Well, maybe some of them do, but not that I know of, and I’ve made a few phone calls. Stickinyrgutifos was specifically designed by Die Chemicals to kill noxious pests like magpies, WHAP members, quolls, and koalas. I’ve been advised it works on termites too.”  Asked to comment on recent calls by WHAP to institute state guidelines on buffer zones, Mr. Deadzone admitted “Yes, Growbad was instrumental in developing those very guidelines, but … Hold on!  No comment!”

Councillor Tom Turkey weighed into the argument commenting:  “It is clear to me that – gobble gobble – those WHAP people are – gobble gobble – trying to sabotage our chemical companies. Gobble”

Mayor of Bogan City Council, Ham Hawker, tried to calm the waters, saying: “I’d be happy to meet with all interested parties to discuss buf … sorry, to talk about instituting bu … bu … buf … Darn! I still can’t say bu … Oh, you know what I mean.”

Meanwhile, WHAP spokesman, Mr Green opined, “Stickinyrgutifos is terribly bad/ I wish they’d stop spraying it/ It’s making me sad”.

Growbad CEO Mr Axel Deadzone had the last word, assuring worried locals that “Those WHAP stirrers have it all wrong. Don’t they realize that the best food can only be produced by applying copious quantities of toxic chemicals like stickinyrgutifos?  I’ve been advised that when diluted to six parts per trillion it is perfectly safe to spread on your breakfast cereal …” etc

Report Card Time

28 August 2012

An uppity local rag recently published a mid year report card on several Bogan City councillors.  Councillor Tom Turkey received four fails.  Rumour has it he was taken out to the woodshed for his just desserts.  Neighbours reported hearing strangled gobbles for several hours.  By his own admission, he was forced to assume the position. We reckon he should hold that position for awhile.

Meanwhile, Councillor Cherry Monthly also received fails. Decorum dictates we keep her punishment under wraps, though we can divulge it involved a feather duster.

Radical activist, I. M. Green penned a sneering rebuke, noting,

“They responded in writing as a group

This smells to me like poop

They think they’re so smart and so better

But they can’t even write their own letter!”

On a happier note, Councillor Serena Shorts scored straight A’s on her report card.  At least somebody’s been busy.

And now for some light and crispy chicken relief, for those of you who have the blues:

Logan or Bogan?

Which is it?

Click the link above to decide! (With Thanks to ‘Eric the Tree’)

Preening Pollies

October 11, 2012

An interested bystander recently reported witnessing a tasteless display of one upmanship out in the car park of Bogan City Council after a recent meeting.  Mayor Ham Hawker and Councillor Tom Turkey were seen engaged in a heated finger-wagging exchange. Our citizen bystander surreptitiously edged close enough to hear some of the banter which they later reported to your humble administrator.

Mayor Hawker: …”Are you kidding me, Turkey?  I’m up to 5,327 photo shots            in at least 4 local papers.  You haven’t even cracked 4,000 yet.

Cr. Turkey:  Yeah, but a lot of yours were repeat photos. I’ve counted 1,292 repeat photos where you were wearing the same dress.  Those don’t count.

Mayor Hawker:  Do so.

Cr. Turkey:  Do not!

Mayor Hawker: Do so!

Cr. Turkey:  Do not!  And anyway, when are you gonna get a new haircut.  You look like you just stepped out of an Elvis movie.

Mayor Hawker:  I’ll get a new ‘do’ when you get a new hat, you wanker!

Cr. Turkey: Hey!  Everyone likes my hat.  They reckon it makes me look – you know – bushy.

Mayor Hawker: Wanker!  Katter wannabe!

Cr. Turkey:  Watch it Hawker!  Doris Day clone.

Mayor Hawker: Urban cowboy!  All hat and no cattle.

Cr. Turkey:  Bogus bimbo!  Media slut!

Mayor Hawker:  Hah! Said the pot calling the kettle black. Gin-soaked gigolo!

Cr. Turkey: Clueless kewpie-doll!

At this point several nearby councillors stepped in to pull the combatants apart before fists began to fly. Contacted for a comment, radical activist I.M. Green opined in verse:

They both like to see their own face, plastered all over the place

Every time I open the paper. There they are. Fronting some new caper

I’d like to say more but I am loath. I’m just sick of seeing them both.

 

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